Big Brother - Season 9, Episode 5 Recap

Here we are with the first live eviction of the season. I’m so praying that it’s Jen that’s shown the door, but we’ve seen crazier things happen in the past.

As expected, we get the standard opening package. Amanda and Alex took control…blah blah blah…veto competition…Jen bitching at Parker…blah blah blah…Amanda’s dad hung himself…gossip gossip gossip…blah blah blah…no use of P.O.V.




Within two sentences, wooden stick figure Julie Chen throws out the insipid “soulmates” cliché. Let’s call it correctly – one real couple that won’t survive until the finale and twelve others that are just going to deal with each other (and maybe relieve some sexual frustrations) in hopes of winning some cash.

But first…oh yes, the footage we’ve been waiting for. The Biggest Fight in Big Brother History! I don’t know about that, but it was pretty damned entertaining last Sunday night on Showtime. Amanda gossips about everybody in the house, and Chelsia calls her out on it. Joshuah decides it’s time to let loose his drama queen side, and eventually makes reference to her dead father. Classy, yet she really set it up a few seconds earlier by lying on her “father’s life”.

Too bad the best footage of this incident wasn’t used – beautiful and talented Chelsia pulling her pants down to imitate Amanda’s standard dress. We also don’t hear Amanda’s classic response – “I didn’t wear booty shorts today”.

Surprisingly, male bimbo Alex is the voice of reason, explaining that because they’re playing as teams gossiping about James also reflects on Chelsia and Amanda’s drama is making him look bad as well.

Amanda ends up crying in the HOH bathtub, with Parker lending a sympathetic ear (and hopefully, I’m sure he’s thinking, other body parts later. “Do I look like a horse? Am I really ugly?” Yeah, it really wasn’t the references about her father that bothered her; it was the horse face comments.

Oooh, some more drama before the eviction. Jen declares that she’ll do ANYTHING to not be evicted, and who better to tell a bullshit tale than Sheila? Ryan’s a racist, she says, and doesn’t like the fact that she once dated a black guy. The story gets back to Ryan, who obviously confronts his “soulmate” (see, I can also use the cliché). Jen’s response is predictable – how dare he listen to anything anybody but what the Queen Bitch says. Of course, it’s all Allison’s fault. What a c-word.

Hahahahaha! Great flashback by CBS when Jen claims to Sheila that she never said he was a racist. I hope he gets back at her by having sex with Allison on Showtime. If it does happen, though, I hope it’s one of those rare days where Allison does her hair and makeup. Talk about a girl who looks fantastic some days, and fuglier than anybody the next.



Time to join Julie and the house guests, and as usual there are audio problems. Once fixed, we get the usual inane chatter about absolutely nothing. Jen and Ryan get a last chance to comment on their relationship, and Jen lets out a doozy. “I ultimately put myself on the block for you, and I know you respect that as does America.” WTF? Trust me, girlfriend, there’s nobody outside of your family and best friends (and probably not even them) who doesn’t see you as a vile, conceited twit. The forced kiss was a nice conclusion.



Silly diary room stuff – dumb Ryan babbles as Natalie’s tits make their first appearance tonight, and Chelsia looks as beautiful as ever. Nothing is really revealed except for a bad joke from James about seeing bugs when Parker turns on the light when they’re sleeping. Say what? Then we get the chat with the HOH couple. Amanda has forgiven Chelsia and Joshuah, and they both get to talk about their fathers. Amanda says she lives her life with no regrets. Come on, I’ll bet there’s been quite a few mornings where she’s regretted picking up the person she’s lying next to.





Finally, it’s eviction time. Final words from all four – “I want to stay here, blah blah blah, I love you all, blah blah blah,” By a 3 – 1 vote, Jen and Parker are evicted. Parker has a fake smile but looks like he wants to throw a punch or two, while Jen’s face is her best moment on the show.

Jen seems to want to run the show even while sitting with Julie. “I don’t want to see what (Allison) has to say.” Parker shakes his head and rolls his eyes the moment Jen’s relationship is brought up, and clearly just wants to get the hell out of there. Maybe he can still catch some footage of Britney for TMZ.



We conclude with the HOH competition, and it’s a bizarre series of questions where they have to guess what will be the most popular choice of the other pairs…and the answers will actually happen in the next week. So for the next three days there’s no hot water, the girls have to wear swimsuits for a day (nice!), there’s no drinking cups for a week, they get a margarita party, the women have to cook for a week, and they don’t get to use the washing machine for two weeks. Pure silliness.

The good news is that my girl Chelsia (and James) have won! The bad news is there’s a good chance Amanda’s hot booty could leave next week. This should be an interesting week!

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