Ok, I went out on a limb earlier as to how I predicted CBS would squeeze almost five days of house happenings into one tidy 48-minute program. It's only the right thing to do to analyze the episode to see how I did.
As expected, we start things off with the recap. Thank God they’ve taken away the phrases “looking for love” and “news that shocked the house”. Although it’s now been replaced by they’re “playing the game like never before”. Yeah, and it’s to the detriment of almost half of the contestants.
Why did I bother watching Sunday night’s episode? They’ve condensed it down to a tidy 3 minute highlight reel..with two minutes of it once again featuring Amanda’s ass.
As predicted, after the recap we get the reactions to the nominations. Wow, Amanda almost makes sense as she explains how Ryan and Jen have an advantage. Alex says nothing, which is probably a good thing.
Parker also makes sense as he describes Jen’s “steps of destruction”. He leaves out his role as the “Fuck Da House” Burger King. Then again, so did CBS last Sunday. Jen collapses into a corner, but that doesn’t stop Ryan from forcing a kiss out of her. Hey, a man’s gotta get his, too.
Allison’s pretty smart, but she doesn’t know when to stop talking. “I believe you” would have been enough, but it’s followed by multiple “I do’s” and “I wanna believe you’s” as Ryan walks away.
Oooh, it’s time for the Neil situation. They don’t explain the situation, but it’s pretty funny to listen to Joshuah explain how he picked Sharon. “It’s a no-brainer.” Sharon returns, and is shocked when told Ryan and Jen are dating, but the two hour rampage it brought on is somehow not shown. Hmmm.
Time to sex things up. Amanda needs a backrub, and since Alex has “been mean to me” it’s time for Parker to step in. Oooh, there’s blurred out titties. I need to find that clip on YouTube. Hey, watch that right hand, Parker!
Alex walks in while Amanda’s rubbing Parker, and he’s not happy. Think there will be more of this later?
Oh boy, we’re back to Jen and Ryan. They haven’t had sex in two weeks, so Ryan takes her into a bathroom stall. Something tells me it’s not the first time she’s gotten it on in a public bathroom. Parker interrupts and mugs for the camera, and Ryan says all he needs is 15 seconds. Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. Poor Parker complains that her “funky ass” has to get back in bed with him.
Time for Sheila’s cameo. How can anybody believe their little lesbian fable? Come on, Chelsia, think about their backstory. They started dating when Allison was 14? Oh please. Chelsia (whose hair is beautiful in her diary room scene) spills the beans to her partner, James, who has way too much time to think about stuff that doesn’t mean shit. He comes up with some asinine theory about some object in the hamster cage, and it somehow indicates there’s one more couple in the house.
Sharing a sun chair with Alex (refrain from gay joke, Scott), James tells him about the puzzle piece theory. Alex, who hasn’t noticed anything in the house besides Amanda’s ass, has no clue what he’s talking about, but decides it must be that Amanda and Parker know each other.
This whole segment cracks me up. Alex agrees that it’s the girls who create all the drama, and then runs off to spread the story. Before he does that, though, he complains that everybody’s stuck with a stupid partner. “Not me”, replies James. “She’s great.” Meanwhile, Amanda’s dry-humping Parker just five feet in front of them.
Alex alerts a handful of people of his theory, which Amanda hears five minutes later from Matt. Yeah, it’s just the girls spreading stories. “How dare you insult my integrity”, complains Amanda. Oh god, the one liners are just too easy.
Alex blames James, and Amanda runs and tells Parker. They confront James, who has no idea what they’re even talking about. James tries to explain that he wasn’t talking about anybody in particular, but Parker is too busy swearing at James to hear a word he’s saying. Alex backtracks from his story, and claims he never said James named Parker and Amanda. I think it’s time for me to dig out Billy Preston’s old hit, “Will It Go ‘Round in Circles”.
Back to the HOH room. Alex admits that he has feelings for Amanda, but he has a weird way of showing it. “You dress like a slut. How can we play together when you wear a t-shirt that comes up to here showing your nipples, and booty shorts where your ass is half hanging out?” Amanda’s reply is priceless. “Every girl does that.” Note to self - I need to meet these girls.
Silly Matt – he tells Parker that if he wins the veto he’ll use it on him because “you’re my boy”.. Yet in the diary room he says that it would put a huge target on his back. You’re a dolt, Boston boy.
Veto competition time. Natalie and Matt are picked as the fourth team in the competition, and the girls are all tied to a spinning wheel. Something tells me it’s not the first time any of these girls have been tied up. Jen’s approach isn’t surprising. She just screams at Parker the entire time. Natalie just closes her eyes and zones out, much like most of her every day life.
Allison, who has just said she’ll do anything to win this competition, is the first to let go of the button. A little bit later, Amanda does the same, but claims to have thrown the competition. It’s down to Natalie/Matt and Jen/Parker. “Spin it! Spin it!” she screams at Parker. “Parker, come on!” Poor guy.
So Matt and Natalie win, and Jen’s not happy. Natalie’s happy, though, since she’s “representing the Beaver state!” Oh god, once again it’s too easy. Will Matt live up to his promise? Parker seems to think so - “that’s my G”.
Back to Amanda and Alex. Classic male bimbo thinking – since Amanda has no interest in him, he thinks it’s only fair that she not develop feelings for anybody else in the house. Ooookay. She’s not happy with this plan, and goes off to whine to Chelsia and Parker while Alex watches on the HOH TV.
Mercifully, we’re finally at the end of the show. No hottub scene, no Natalie’s oral expertise. But we do see Matt and Natalie declining to use the veto, and both Jen and Parker are livid. Hopefully, they’ll be just as pissed tomorrow when they walk out the door to talk to the Jenbot.
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