Ranking the Girls of BB9

Since I have a reputation to uphold as a horndog, it’s only fitting that I share my views concerning the sexiness of this year’s female contestants. Here’s how I rank the ladies of Big Brother:



1. Amanda. Let’s face it, it’s all about the ass when it comes to Amanda. Man, what an ass it is; quite possibly the best ever seen on a reality show.

She’s certainly not afraid to show it, too. Besides the instances where it’s been clad in a g-string, she’s generally dressed in booty shorts.



There’s more than an ass here, though. Yes, the face shots are generally not complimentary, but she’s actually quite cute when you watch her live. She’s one of those oddly hot women that are easy to criticize but impossible to not view.

She’s not afraid to use her looks, either. Besides possibly Adam, there’s not a man that she hasn’t flirted with. Eventually, this could be a disaster as she’s already went running to Parker with tall tales about Alex’s conduct.

I have to give her credit, however, for being sociable with everybody in the house. She’s the first HOH I’ve seen that hasn’t spent the majority of the time in the HOH bedroom plotting with her partner and allies. She’s been socializing with everybody, even if it’s clear that it pains her to listen to Natalie’s constant babbling.



2. Chelsia. So far, my girl Chelsia has been a disappointment. Despite her boasting in the pre-show interviews about her wildness and multiple piercings, she’s been way too conservative in the house. No g-strings or booty shorts for her so far.



If last night is any indication, though, she’s starting to loosen up a bit. Besides some frank sexual talk, she did end up bottomless when they filled the hot tub with bubbles.

Despite my disappointment, however, Chelsia is my pick as the cutest girl in the house. She has the face of an angel, and appears to be pretty hip. I see her with an Ipod filled with bands like Arcade Fire, Lily Allen, Stars, and (hopefully) the Replacements.



3. Allison. For the first few days, I didn’t pay much attention to Allison. Her publicity pictures left much to be desired, and she barely appeared on the opening episode.

But as time has passed, her beauty has increased in my eyes. She’s still rarely on screen except when she’s listening to Sheila’s insane theories, but I’m praying that she eventually comes out of her shell and begins to copy Amanda’s clothing styles.

She’s also probably the smartest girl in the house, and if she manages to escape eviction this Wednesday (which currently seems likely), she could end up being the strongest female player. She’s already noticing minor changes in the setup of the house that everybody else is too self-absorbed to take note. She would greatly benefit from a twist that would pair her with somebody besides Ryan, who seems to have no desire to actually play the game.



4. Jen. Nobody can honestly say that Jen is not beautiful. She has that classic girl next door look – a flawless face and a tight, skinny body that she loves to show off almost as much as Amanda.




Jen’s downfall is her personality. As long as she’s in control and/or getting her way, she seems rather pleasant. The moment she’s not, she’s a combative nightmare.




She also seems to have little interest in befriending anybody that she doesn’t believe is at her level, which makes me believe she’s Kail before age, marriage and kids wrecked her looks.




5. Sharon. There’s nothing wrong with Sharon’s looks – we just really haven’t had a chance to judge her yet. She’s easily the most conservative dresser in the house, and also the biggest schemer. She’s just way too consumed with getting revenge for her earlier eviction from the house, which is silly because she was gone maybe 48 hours.

Although her looks do little for me, I do have to admit that she’s sort of cute when she doesn’t tie her hair back. Too bad that’s a rare occurrence.



6. Natalie. Ugh. Does anything other than the word “over-compensate” come to mind whenever you look at her? Come on, even her fake tits are at least two sizes bigger than any girl of her size should even consider.



She clearly has plenty of issues, and attempts to hide them by dominating conversations, showing lots of skin, and parading a false impression of being a Bible thumper. Was there anything more pathetic than her stripper pole routine last night? I don’t think Matt’s treatment of her after late-night oral treats was her first morning-after rejection (yet she reportedly repeated her act last night).



7. Sheila. They may call her “Ma”, but “Grandma” would be a better description. I know plenty of 45 year-olds that look younger than Bob Guccione’s former concubine. Is it tanning, coke, bad genes, or all of the above?



It doesn’t help that she’s a complete wackjob. She claims to have watched every episode of Big Brother, but doesn’t seem to have any idea how the game works. She’s the queen of wacky theories; not just about the game or the people in the house but of life in general.

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