Big Brother - Season 9, Episode 12 Recap

This will undoubtedly be the toughest recap I’ve ever written. What can they possibly show tonight that will come close to matching what was seen on today’s live feeds?

I’m a devoted filibuster-er, though, so I won’t neglect my duty to report what CBS chooses to broadcast tonight. It’s too bad, though, that because the network refuses to tinker with their formula, the non-internet crowd won’t witness these events until Thursday.

The worst thing about this recap is that we have to see Allison once again. It seems like a year ago that she was evicted…although seeing her face when she was evicted a second time is more than humorous. She really knew she was screwed when she discovered she was going against Ryan. Is it just me, or do the females take the eviction worse than the guys?

Ok, we begin post-eviction. Josh is elated, as is Matt. “I couldn’t stand her from the get-go”, he says. Ryan claims he knew something was going down when the door wouldn’t open. Josh said Allison’s face made him “sick” when it looked like Allison may stay.

Sheila claims she was happy when the split was announced, but her face says otherwise. I tend to believe Adam, however, when he says “see you later, baby. I’m tired of dragging that ball and chain around”. Matt couldn’t be more pleased. “I have no chatty Natty nagging in my ear all day.” Nat is immediately pissed that Matt moved to the other side of the couch.

Allison’s hasty departure is discussed next. Ryan acted like a gentleman, and Sheila is all tears (as usual). “Why couldn’t I have done more to help her?”

We move on to the aftermath of the HOH competition. Ryan states the obvious when he says it’s quite the turn of events. Josh, however, thinks he’s screwed, as does Sharon, who makes a rare network appearance.

Predictably, it’s time for more of Nat and Matt. “You’re booted out of this room,” he tells her. “We’re solo.” Clueless Nat says he’s just joking. “He loves me in his bed.” Trust me, girl, there’s only a few minutes a night he wants you in his bed. “He really means the opposite; it’s like reverse psychology”, she theorizes.

In the other room, my girl Chelsia and James are truly torn. Particularly James. “Are you going to target me?” he asks. It doesn’t help that she spends a few minutes flirting with Ryan. “You’re going to see Chelsia change”, he whispers to Josh. Adding to James’ discomfort, she wrestles with Matt on the bed. “It’s gonna happen to you, kid”, Matt promises. “Just watch.”

Natalie’s back to reading the Bible, and a verse from Joshuah must mean it’s about the Joshuah in the house. Yeah, just like Matthew 3:5 was supposed to mean that Matt was going to win HOH on March 3. You silly twit. Adam lays next to her and listens to her verbiage, but it’s clear he doesn’t really care about what she has to say.

Meanwhile, Josh is doing his own praying, asking forgiveness for everything he’s done in the house. Oh, and for a more toned body. God really cares about your six-pack.

Well, if it’s a quarter past the house, it’s obviously time to see the pictures in the HOH room. As usual, it’s a completely boring segment, except for Josh’s response at seeing pictures of Jen. Matt, of course, notices the picture of Ryan’s sister. “Wow, this girl is a smoke show. If you’re watching, (makes ‘call me’ signal)”.

While this is going on, Sheila’s still sad. “Allison is the only person I trusted.” Well, then you should have maybe not been so catty with her. “This game has gotten really scary”, she complains to a non-interested Adam. “I got really lucky with you”, she now says after a month of bitching about him. “You played a good game. You could go to the end.”

James finally gets a chance to tell Chelsia how he feels. “I didn’t think I’d fall for someone on national television. It’s not what I’m about.” When he suggests that they continue to share a bed, she declines, saying it’s not a good idea “because we have to play it safe.” My God, it’s like sitting through a few of my old breakups. She does her best to reassure him. “If I can’t win this game, I want you to.”

Sheila is back to complaining about Adam. She couldn’t be happier to have her own bed, because he had “restless leg syndrome, he talked in his sleep, and snored. Now I have some comfort.”

It’s now time for Matt to kiss up to Ryan. He only voted to evict him because he knew James and Chelsia were going to. He comes up with the idea that “it’s time for the fellas to join up”. Adam walks into the room, and is brought into the plan. Funny thing is, James is also brought into the plan to “eliminate the vagina”. However, James says in the diary room that he doesn’t think he’s going to join in.

We move on to more of Natalie’s insanity. Again wearing shorts that are so tiny they have to blur her ass, she discovers the multiple colors in the guinea pig cage. This is where we discover that she thinks the “and” that you say when you recite the alphabet counts as a letter. Oh boy, this segment is worth sitting through the rest of her craziness.

Food competition time. Matt doesn’t want Natalie on his team, but she somehow grabbed a blue bandana. “He let me have it”, she claims. “He wanted me on his team.” The contest involves a chocolate fondue contraption, and Josh jumps right in with the obvious Willy Wonka connection.

Letters are inside the fondue, and they must be used to spell the food items that will be the menu for the next week. Natalie claims that despite her lack of knowledge on letters, spelling is one thing she’s great at. Yet she can’t spell the word “cereal”.

The game begins, and Natalie is after sushi because it’s the number one priority in the house. Sure it is. Josh loves meat, so he says it was an appropriate word for him to spell. We get it, Josh. You’re gay.

Sheila’s slowing down her team, and Chelsia’s getting pissed. It’s humorous how the person who hated slop the worst is the one causing her team to be on it once more. She finally spells “milk” as the other team scores two more items.

Matt can’t find the chalk, which allows the other team to catch up. It continues on, and it’s Adam versus Sheila at the end. The game immediately slows down, and Sheila doesn’t get her word written down in time. Mama’s on slop again!

Josh takes Ryan aside to plead his case, and promises to never put him up. “I’ll be your bitch for the week.” Yeah, I’ll bet you would be willing to do just that. For some reason, we get a couple of minutes of Josh disco dancing. Please, make it stop. Seriously, it’s segments like these that give the network broadcast a bad name.

James goes upstairs to chat with Ryan and Matt. At this point, the plan is to put up Sharon and Sheila, with Sharon as the target. James doesn’t agree. “You put Sharon up against Sheila, and she’s probably going to stay.” Josh is brought up next, and that’s immediately nixed. James comes up with Chelsia, believe it or not. “I want everybody in the house to know that I’m here to play the game”, he says in the diary room. To be fair, it’s still Sharon they want to target.

Finally, it’s nomination time. You know the script. “One of my duties…blah blah blah”, stare at the pictures, listen to the people say they’re scared to go up, and then end up with what we’ve known all along. As usual, the final shot is the two nominees walking away.

Time for the finale of The Wire, bitches!


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