Big Brother - Season 9, Episode 14 Recap

Tonight may be eviction night, but there’s a whole lot more that’s going to go down in the next hour. There will be the return of a previously evicted houseguest, and word is that the HOH competition will be an endurance contest.

Before we get to all of that, however, we have the aftermath of the Great Swerve of 2007. Instead of surprising Matt with a backdoor nomination, it’s James who was actually put on the block at the conclusion of yesterday’s telecast.

Tonight we’re going to see the aftermath of this brilliant move, but it will be interesting to see what makes the cut. Certainly pickle juice will be involved, but can CBS figure out a way to include references to a certain fishy smell? I sure hope so.

So we begin – when will CBS stop these extended recaps? It’s ridiculous how much time is wasted on stuff we’ve seen multiple times. Hahaha – one can’t help but laugh when stupid Josh included Natalie in the plan to get rid of Matt. What a fool. Ok, again why does Julie have to repeat everything we just saw? Regarding the returning guest – notice how she says we played an “important part” in the return? She didn’t say the votes chose the person.

And the fun begins. Ooooh, I never saw this part where Chelsia goes off on Ryan. “You just fucked up.” Ryan explains to her and Josh that it’s not true the whole house was against Matt. “Do not play me for a fucking fool in this game,” my girl Chelsia screams. “It’s on.”

Matt enters, but Ryan boots him out so he can sure Josh he won’t screw him over. Boring Sharon thinks she’s still the one going home, but Matt hugs her and says that’s not the case. Natalie and Sheila confirm this plan. Matt brags that there’s no way that James could possibly “overthrow the king.”

We move to a bunch of them lying out in the sun and/or lifting weights. Oh boy, a bunch of stuff has been skipped. Sheila reassures Ryan that he did the right thing. Chelsia and Josh join them, and the bitching continues. “How you doing, Sheila,” they both ask. Matt can’t resist a few digs at Josh – “I hope your mother is real proud of you, Josh.” Unfortunately, the deeds that caused Matt to say this weren’t shown. Boring Sharon stops Josh from responding. “You just need to chill out. This needs to stop.”

Sheila takes the opportunity to dish with Sharon, but at this point she’s not buying, and informs Sheila of the makeout sessions with Matt. “I’ve been working it since I got HOH.” Stupid Sheila’s interested in whether he’s a good kisser. “No.”

We now jump a few days to hear Sheila tell Natalie of this infidelity. This causes Natalie to contemplate saving James, which she stupidly confides to Sheila. “I’m thinking the same thing.” James is brought in to hear this new plan, and he’s clearly excited.

When Matt approaches Natalie to reconfirm the plan, she confronts him about Sharon. “Are you bringing me to the end, or are you bringing her.” She tries to play the tough girl, and adds that he never is nice to her. “I’m telling you right now I don’t like any girl in the house.” Ouch. He really hurts her by saying he’s moving out of the bedroom. “If you’re not with me, you’re against me.” Ugh, the whole point of showing this segment is to make viewers think Sharon’s going home.

Now we join the house guests. Matt gets the first question, and is asked if there was any doubt in his mind that things would go his way. Typical dumb answer, but we always have Natalie to dumb things down even more. When asked if the singles format has changed her relationship with Matt, she replies “we still share the same bed.” Ugh. Julie goes back to Matt, who says him and Nat are “bff”, which totally confuses the Chenbot.

Of course, we have to move on to Sheila and her unitard, complete with side by side comparison of Jen modeling the same outfit. Of course, everybody says Sheila looks better. No, she doesn’t.

We now move on to the sequester house to see the boredom that is the day to day life of the evicted houseguests. Jacob is seen praying for everybody in the Big Brother house, and he claims that if he’s brought back he and Sharon would “spice things up”. No, you wouldn’t. Jen complains that she and Parker weren’t given a fair shot. Yes you were. Parker says it would be awesome if he could return.

Surprise, surprise - Alex and Amanda are not getting along in their sequester house. Of course, Amanda is in her customary string bikini (thank god), and Alex complains that everybody was against him because he was aligned with both her and Matt. (Oooh, maybe the bro’s won’t be pals after all.) Alex promises he won’t be the nice guy anymore, and Amanda will only look out for herself (as opposed to before?).

Allison says she should get another shot because out of everybody that’s been evicted, she’s the one who “deserves to get revenge”. Get over yourself. “I’ve swallowed every ounce of ridicule and torture that has come my way, and have remained strong…if I go back it’s going down in a big way.” Sure it is.

We now get the big reveal. Dumb questions abound, before we find out who is let back in. The best, and I mean Best moment, when Allison is asked a question…and her mic fails to work! Bwahahahahaha!

WTF? So we’re going to be told who won the CBS vote, and then the house will decide between that person and the person evicted tonight (James). But the house won’t know who they’re voting for, because they’ll be hidden in a mystery box. Come on, CBS, this is ridiculously cheesy.

Julie opens the envelope, and for a second it looks like it is Parker. Nope, he got second place. The winner, as we all have predicted for days, is Alex.

Returning to the living room, Julie now reveals who is (possibly) evicted. By a vote of 5 – 1, it’s James. Wow, only Chelsia embraces him, and he’s out in seconds. (Ok, I get a little teared up seeing my girl Chelsia cry.)

Being a crack reporter, Julie immediately asks what’s up with nobody saying goodbye. It turns out that James instructed them to do that because he “didn’t want to say goodbye to all of the people who gave me their word and didn’t follow through with it.” Good job, my friend.

Julie moves on to ask about the move to put Chelsia up. His answer makes no sense, so he’s then asked who is playing the game the best. “Probably Sheila”, is the reply that shocks a lot of us at home. “She’s the low-key person, but she’s making the critical decision in the house. She’s playing Matt, but she’s also playing some other people in the house.”

A bit shaken (as we all are), Julie returns to the comfort zone of asking about his relationship with Chelsia. “I really like Chelsia…I want to hang out with her when we get out of here.” Well, who doesn’t? At least he’s realistic. “If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.” They conclude with a taped message from her. Sorry, I can’t transcribe that because I’m mesmerized by her beauty.

Julie now informs him that this may not be his final day after all. His response? “I may just crap my pants.” We return to the house, and the stupid siren goes off. Chelsia clearly thinks James is coming back. And we go to a commercial.

When we return, Julie shows the “mystery” box. Sharon recoils when she hears that it may be Jacob, and the reaction to Allison is not good either. Ohmigod, it may be James that returns!

Ryan votes first, and goes for the mystery guest! Chelsia, not surprisingly, goes for James. Matt takes the mystery guest, as does Sheila. Josh goes for James to tie things up. Natalie wants more time to process that stupid brain of hers, but eventually votes for James. Adam surprises me by voting for James, as does Sharon! Yes, James returns!

After he jumps out of the box, they run right out to the HOH competition. We were all correct, it is an endurance competition. Oh god, they’re calling it “Big Brother Disco”, and everybody must stay attached to their disco ball. Ten bucks says Sheila’s the first to fall off.

James is asked how it feels to be back. What a great response – “it feels great to be around all the people who voted me out”. Champagne then starts shooting out at the players, and of course dumb Natalie asks if she can drink it. As the episode ends, James can be heard promising revenge. This will be not only an interesting night, but a very promising week!