Big Brother - Season 9, Episode 17 Recap

All right, here we (finally) go! Will it be Ryan or Matt that’s evicted this week? Will Josh unload his fury onto Sheila? Will my girl Chelsia flash? God, I hope so!

Let’s begin with a little complaint. Why couldn’t this episode be aired at the proper time? Do people still watch stupid Survivor? I saw a bit for the first time since season 2, and nothing has changed.

As usual, we begin with the familiar footage of James being evicted and getting a second chance, and everything else that has happened this week…and Julie repeating what we just saw. Thankfully, there seems to be no plan for some goofy twist this week.

“But first”…we have to go back once again to the moment where Matt replaced an always tearful Sheila as a nominee. I must say I love the look on Matt and Nat’s faces. Nat calls James a liar, and Matt whispers to her “I’m fucked”. In the diary room, James explains the whole third vote theory. One good thing does come out of this for Matt, though. He finally has a real excuse to blow off Natalie. “I got to be alone right now.”

Natalie starts bawling because “it’s really, really hard” and “I’m very, very, very sad right now”. Matt confronts James, who again refuses to state the real reason he’s been put up. “You’re playing with Natalie.” Matt replies that it’s not his fault she clings to him, and also plays a Sheila-ish card by saying he’s letting his mom down by not winning the game. Wow, he actually sheds a couple of tears!

James acts concerned, but is gloating in the diary room. “Boo hoo, Matt. He came out and started crying how he promised his mommy he’d bring her a prize. But Matt, everyone in here has a parent that they want to help out.” That’s probably the most truthful thing ever said on a game show.

Matt walks back into the house, and finally has to deal with a bawling Natalie, who feels she let him down by not winning HOH. “When I’m gone, you gotta go after him”, he tells her. She continues to cling on him, but he can’t disappear quickly enough. He then wanders around the house bawling. OMG, enough with the crying!

Meanwhile, Josh is promising Ryan his vote, and claims that Adam will also vote for him. “It’s gonna be 5 – 1.” Sheila also claims she’s going to vote for him, saying “you have to understand that when I make a decision, it’s a decision!” Really? Has that yet been true?

Ok, back to a moping Matt, sitting outside with Adam. He also thinks it’s going to be 5 -1, but Adam says he has his vote. He gives Matt a pep talk, and tells him to point out to everybody he’s “did nothing wrong to you”. Wow, it works, as suddenly Matt is suddenly cocky again. “I might have to play the sympathy card with some of these girls because girls are normally sympathetic towards things in life.”

His first move is towards Chelsia. “What do I have to do for your vote? I don’t want to spend my birthday in sequester.” Oh boy. “I’ve never spent a birthday alone.” Chelsia plays along, but in the diary room she claims she had to fight against laughing at his pathetic ploy.

This same “birthday” gimmick is then played on Sharon during her limited cameo appearance, and she also laughs. “Matt totally thought he had me eating out of the palm of his hand. Whatever. Get away from with that crap.”

Sheila, believe it or not, also doesn’t seem to fall for this line. “I don’t understand why Sheila, Sharon, and Chelsia are not promising me a vote. It’s really aggravating.” Hahahahaha!

He once again confronts Chelsia, who doesn’t want to talk about it. “Just leave me alone. Ryan’s not coming up to me campaigning.” Again, Matt attempts the Sheila method of “not campaigning” while actually campaigning. “I want to know what it is that I have done to anybody in this house.” He even pulls Sheila’s “I saved you” lines, and completely throws Ryan under the bus.

Of course, the Sheila argument seems to work on…wait for it, Sheila. You know, the woman who just five minutes ago says that when she makes a decision, “it’s a decision”. It never was before, so of course it’s not tonight.

Sheila heads up to the HOH to talk to James about this issue, and having sat through this when it happened live I’m going to fast forward. Imagine this two minute clip repeated for 45 minutes, before eventually thinking she has actually gotten through to James. Yet when she leaves, James celebrates.

Finally, we get back to Julie. And we’re going to have an update with Evel Dick and Dannielle! I can’t wait to hear his thoughts on these fools.

We come back to the commercials with Julie’s inane conversation with the house guests. She immediately asks James about his “word”. His response is about what you think it would be, so we move on to Natalie. For some reason, she puts on a fake southern drawl as she calls him a “little bit of a hypocrite. I hung up there like a warrior princess to make that deal with him. His word doesn’t mean anything right now.”

Julie goes for cheap applause by calling Matt, Adam, and Ryan the “Bible buddies”. Adam gets just a little bit too pumped up to answer Julie’s question. Can you imagine what he was like back when he was snorting. Ooof.

She then moves on to last week’s mystery box, and asks how many people thought it was going to be Allison coming back. Sheila, Josh, and Natalie raise their hands. It is shown that it was indeed Alex, and everybody (particularly Natalie) is shocked. It’s now asked who would have voted for him to return, and Sheila, Matt, Ryan, and Natalie raise their hands. Nothing is said about what would have been done in the case of a tie.

We now get the Dick and Dannielle update. Dick is at the Vegas Hard Rock Hotel, and greets his daughter at the door. WTF? Dick is going to meet Barry Manilow? His pals at the metal message board aren’t going to like this turn of events. Oh God, Dick has to name drop the various musicians that are supposedly his fans, and that he no longer has to pay for Lakers tickets. Sure, you don’t. Ok, even I’m getting a bit nauseous listening to him talk about how famous he thinks he is. “It’s almost like rock star-ish.” “Almost” is the key word.

Dick says he took Dannielle to Europe with the money, but she seems to be the same whiney brat she was last season. She does admit that her trip was a lot of fun, but she admits that their relationship is not “perfect”. I would imagine the car he bought her helped bring it a bit closer to perfect, though. They both agree that they’d probably still not be talking if it hadn’t been for the show.

We find out Nick and Dannielle are no longer dating, before we move on to what we do want to hear – their thoughts on this season’s crew. They both think that James is actually playing the game, but despite Dannielle’s teasing Dick says Sheila’s voice “drives him crazy”. You’re not the only one, sir. “Her and Natalie – they just never stop talking”, he adds. “That’s all you did”, replies Dannielle. Touche. Dick thinks this is the one season he could have possibly flown under the radar. Oooh, we’re told Evel Dick will be on the show next week!

It’s now time for the eviction, and Ryan’s final speech is as boring as his previous attempts. He just wants to right what he’s done wrong, blah blah blah. Matt says he’s humbled, and also wants to “rectify what he’s done wrong”. Chelsia goes in to vote first, and votes to evict Matt, as does Joshuah and Sharon. Natalie, of course, votes to evict Ryan, as does Adam and Sheila.

So it all comes down to James, just like CBS wanted. First, we have commercials. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Finally, we hear James vote to evict Matt! As expected, Natalie wants to cling onto Matt, but he can’t get out of there quick enough.

Julie is quite the journalist – “Matt, you look devastated.” “Yes, I am.” Julie just can’t wait to get to the more pressing issue, though. “Let’s talk about Natalie. You guys have had your ups and downs, but we saw some tender moments between the two of you.” I don’t know if “tender” is the word I’d use as she’s ducking her head under the covers. We conclude with the usual idiotic goodbye speeches, except for Natalie’s insane belief that she still thinks they may be “soulmates”.

We finish up with the HOH contest, and Julie again reads the same script about how it’s the most important position in the house. It’s a question contest about diary room comments, gussied up in a medieval setting which boggles my mind. Due to a supposed “random drawl”, James and Joshuah begin the contest. Josh is eliminated, and Chelsia picks Natalie and Sheila to hear the second question. Neither lame brain is in a hurry to answer the question, but Natalie surprises the world by first figuring out how to buzz in, and then by answering it correctly.

Natalie then picks Chelsia and Sharon for the next round, and again my girl Chelsia answers correctly. She then chooses Adam and Natalie, who Adam squeaks by with the correct answer at the last second. Chelsia’s back up, this time with Ryan, and Chelsia once again is correct!

The final question is between Adam and Chelsia, and Adam comes through with the correct answer! Wow! Natalie and Sheila are ecstatic! Poor Adam will never get rid of either of those two this entire week.

For the final scene, we return to the living room, where Adam is actually a bit more subdued then I’d thought he’d be. Julie then informs us that Evel Dick will be on next Tuesday to give the house a “wakeup call they’ll never forget”. Oh boy, that means a recreation of last year’s incident where he decided to intimidate the entire house.