Big Brother - Season 9, Episode 3

It may be February 17 for you and me, but it’s at least five days earlier in the Big Brother house. What a simpler time it was back then. Weren’t the Patriots still undefeated? Was Obama in the race yet? I just can’t remember back to those days when visions of tanned Amanda booty were yet to be unveiled to the public.

Of course we have to have a recap in case we’ve forgotten about all of the excitement that was aired last week. Wait a second. These 16 single people are “looking for love”? Ugh. A surprise announcement “turned the house upside down”? Oh, the hyperbole.

At least we get to see glimpses of Amanda and Natalie’s tits and ass once again. Wait, that’s the story of the entire season. Trust me, if you watch Showtime you’ll be sick of Natalie’s skin really soon. Amanda’s ass, though, is another story.

By the way, Jacob is still a ret…oh yeah, we can’t use that word anymore. I don’t want to be boycotted.

After way too much time on recapping, we start with the aftermath of the HOH competition. Chelsia says she’s happy Amanda and Alex won, until she realized that meant “(Amanda’s) going to be prancing around…in her ridiculous short-shorts to let everybody know who the princess is.” C’mon girl, how about you copy Amanda and let us see your gorgeous sweet little hiney?’

The kids (and Grandma Sheila) walk back into the house, and, Oh My God, it’s the memory wall pictures! My God, these idiots get excited about nothing. Amanda’s not happy, though. “My worst picture ever! I’d rather have a picture of my booty on the screen then my face!” Trust me, sweetie, so do we.

Matt may be the biggest tool I’ve seen on a reality show since Johnny Fairplay. “The best looking person on the wall is obviously myself. I am a handsome man. I cannot deny it.” Really? There’s only one person in the house that agrees with that assessment, and she’ll prove it with her mouth a couple of times in the next few days.

We also finally get a glimpse of Jen’s true colors. Noticing her pic is prominently displayed in the upper left hand corner, she lets everybody know that is because she knows she’s “going to win”. Oh no you di’nt!

Everybody runs in opposite directions to talk about this faux pas. Even Ryan is clearly embarrassed. “What a bitch move”, says James. Parker agrees, and lets her know. Allison sums it up perfectly – “bitch”.

It’s now time for the Allison show. She whines to Ryan…and then Parker…and then Jen after Amanda tells her she’s chatting alone with Parker. Ooooh, if Allison screw up Jen’s game, it will “really really really really really really piss me off”. Ok, maybe I added an extra “really” or two. How dare anybody stop that powerhouse Jen from winning it all.

Ryan tries to assure Allison that she’s his number one girl in the house. Well, he mainly just hangs his head down and nods his head. I guess that’s how it works at Princess Jen’s house. “This is my show”, Allison says about Jen’s attitude.

More on that later, as it’s time for tears. Poor Amanda is stereotyped as a dumb bimbo with a nice ass because she has a high-pitched voice. Oh really? She goes on to lay it on thick about her father’s suicide, and how she missed his last call. She compensates for the hurt by “being happy”. I know, it doesn’t make sense to me, either, but if brings tears to Chelsia’s eyes. If she’s sad, then I am, too.

Time to see the HOH room. Yeah, that’s the same as every other year, but we’re not yet done with the tears. Amanda’s dad must have loved the ladies, as his favorite artist is Al Green. Guess what disc is in her HOH package?

Yet it’s not just Amanda who sheds some tears. Alex’s father died at 9/11, and part of his gift box includes a cross made out of the Ground Zero wreckage. Before we get to that, though, Amanda spends a few minutes admiring her ass in the photos of the pair that are hung up on the wall. I swear this girl loves her booty even more than I do.

Back to the Jen/Allison/Ryan/Parker situation. Jen and Parker attempt to bully Allison, who promises over and over she’s not going to reveal the big secret. She’s even tempted by her best friend Sheila, but refuses to say a word. “Bitch, you better get your mind right”, says Queen Jen, who for some reason is dressed as part of Queen Latifah’s crew.

Comic relief time. Adam is known as the “Hooded Warrior”, because he’s not circumsized. It’s show and tell time, as Queen Jen has never seen one. Sheila’s not happy, which makes me happy that she has something in common with my friend Lil. Hey Adam, at least some girls want to see your penis. I guarantee that’s the last time I’ll ever write that sentence.

Jen decides it’s time for her and Parker to reveal the big secret without letting Allison know about it. Classy, homegirl, especially when you blame her for making them tell everybody.

This creates a shitstorm throughout the entire house, but isn’t presented as we saw it on Showtime last month…I mean week. For some reason, CBS doesn’t show Parker’s explosion (“Fuck Dat Shit!”), nor his subsequent fight with Ryan where Ryan openly admits his girlfriend comes first. Why didn’t America get to see Parker parading around in his Burger King birthday crown.

At least we do get to see Queen Jen in all of her glory. Clapping her hands to emphasize the brilliance coming out of her mouth, she screams to Allison that “the game is not all about you”. We know, it is all about you.

Allison goes on to tell the few people still out of the loop, and Joshuah has this great idea to have everybody swear on the Bible whether they know anybody before coming on the show. James and Adam both think it’s a silly idea, as does Matt (“half these people aren’t even religious. They’re just swearing on a bunch of words”). For some reason, Natalie has to also swear that she hasn’t had sex in nine months. That will end in a day or two…well, depending on your definition of sex.

More silliness. Matt and Alex bond like the gay strippers they’re bound to become. Allison and Sheila come up with a ludicrous plan to pretend they’re lesbians, and somehow Joshuah’s gaydar doesn’t work when they let him in on their phony secret.

Sheila also has another meltdown about Adam, even though he’s nowhere near her at the time. When he timdily defends himself, she goes even more berserk. It’s funny how they never show her serving him breakfast in bed. At least the pretty boys stand up for him.

It’s finally nomination time, and it’s no surprise that it’s the two couples that are put on the block. The show ends with Jen in tears, clutching at Ryan. Hopefully, Wednesday’s eviction will end with a similar shot.

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