Paulisded's Casting Predictions

With the unveiling of the Big Brother contestants less than twelve hours away, I thought it was a good time to chat about the sorts of people that inevitably become a part of the show.
Obviously, these predictions may not hold true this year if what Indymike said earlier about some insipid “Soulmate” twist is true. I pray that he’s wrong, though, as there has yet to be a successful twist. Twins, enemies, ex-lovers, family members, and “America’s Player” were all complete wastes of time, and I can’t see anything beneficial out of forcing people to pair up.
Even if they follow through with this plan, the basics of Big Brother casting should remain similar to past seasons. Like all reality shows, BB’s booking closely follows the stereotypes that have ruled (and/or ruined) MTV’s Real World. Look for the following people:
1. At least two overly-tanned meatheads who spend the majority of their time in the house lifting weights. They always believe their shaved chests will cause the girls to swoon and the boys to stay clear of their wrath, yet they can’t have any conversations that don’t include their studliness.
2. Hoping for at least one hot hookup to drive TV ratings, the studmuffins must have an equal number of corresponding bimbos. They may rock a string bikini, but once again their conversations rarely stray from themselves or what you’ll find in People or Us Magazine.
3. One militant minority. An African-American is the TV standard, but every now and then you may find a Hispanic or a person of Middle Eastern descent. Delusions of grandeur inevitably affect their play, as they somehow believe they’re playing for their race.
4. One “flamboyant” gay person. They feel they represent the entire country’s homosexual population, and at one point in the season they’ll be offended by an offhand remark made by one of the meatheads.
5. One small town hick who has not only never traveled beyond their county’s boundaries, but has never met anybody who has any views outside of their own. They’ll be shocked when they meet a black, gay, and/or non-Christian. How can anybody be this sheltered in this era of MTV and the internet? It also helps if this person is extremely attractive, and has an existing relationship that will be tempted by their attraction to one of the pretty people.
6. One ultra-religious loon who believes God is going to hand them the prize money, and will spend the entire season offended by the existence of the homosexual contestant and the ultra-tiny bikinis worn by the bimbos.
7. One or two middle-aged married people who think they deserve to win for their families, and will play the “child card” every time they’re up for eviction.
8. One divorced single-mom who complains about her debts and her children every moment of every day.
9. Another older person, preferably a guy, who thinks of himself as the life of the party. He’s not much of a player, but lasts longer than expected simply because nobody takes him seriously.
These last three categories are the only real differences between Big Brother and the Real World, and they only exist because everybody on the Real World is between the ages of 18 and 24.
It also helps if somebody combines a couple of categories. Nothing is bigger television gold than an ultra-conservative gay African-American pretty boy.
For once, though, I’d like to see the casting of not only Big Brother but all reality shows break these chains and actually sign up some people that don’t easily fit into any category. Evil Dick was a rare character who, like him or not, was never dull mainly because he didn’t fit they typical cast member.
Here are some of the people I’d like to see (besides the all-babe version that would be my ultimate fantasy):
1. Twenty-something male hipster who lives in his indie rock t-shirts and can actually have real conversations during those late-night Showtime broadcasts.
2. Corresponding cute female rock chick, reminiscent of Scarlett Johansson’s character in Lost in Translation. I’d watch non-stop if at some point this person said she has a thing for older music collector dudes.
3. Porn star. Not a Jenna Jameson-ish character, but a relatively unknown person who has made a handful or pornos and is not afraid to admit it. Forget the mid-season discovery of naughty pics that we see every year; it would all be out in the open from the beginning of the show.
4. One ultra-liberal political junkie and a corresponding ultra-conservative. I’m not talking about the ill-informed types that regularly do make appearances, but those that are well-read and can actually debate issues without vilifying anybody whose opinion varies from their own.
5. One Kevin Smith-ish video store clerk. Just an average Joe with a gift for gab and a great wit.
6. One cute but not overly-attractive female bartender. I’m not talking about the usual “actress” waiting for her big break by tending bar in Hollywood, but a takes-no-crap Midwestern barmaid.
7. One professional musician who has toured the country in a small van playing tiny clubs. Not somebody who has tasted any real level of fame, but has a small following in every city in America. If you’ve heard of bands like Hot Water Music, Pinback, or The Whigs, you know what I’m talking about.
8. One middle-aged blogger who secretly gets to write about his experiences in the house. I know the perfect candidate for that spot!