Big Brother - Season 9, Episode 21

Hi kids! Welcome to tonight’s episode of Big Brother, aka the Natalie Show. Or, more accurately, welcome to the Natalie and Sheila Show. Yes, we’re going to see a helluva lot of this silly Christian stripper, and way too much of her holier than thou whiney best friend.

You know the drill – after the recap we begin with the reactions to Chelsia’s eviction and Natalie’s HOH win. Natalie’s reaction to Chelsia’s diatribe about getting an education? “Chelsia, I’ve been to college for three years. I play dumb really well and that’s how I tricked you in this house…this is such sweet revenge for Matty.” Um, no my dear – you are every bit that stupid, and the fact that you think about Matt more than the actual game proves it.

Of course, Sheila also has some words to say. Plenty of words, in fact. “Chelsia was being extremely rude. She said I was ‘rode hard’ or something. It’s kind of a nasty thing, and a low class thing to say to somebody who is 45 years old and a mother.” Trust me, it’s not the only time we have heard that line over the last four days.

James obliviously is bummed that she’s gone. “It was really hard saying goodbye to Chelsia…it definitely sucks that somebody you were so close to in the game is now gone.” Adam mumbles something that’s impossible to understand, and we get to hear Sheila bitch some more about how “disgusting” Chelsia’s speech was.

We move on to HOH, and Natalie’s shocking win. “It made me feel so good to think America thinks I’m so inspirational.” Oh god. Josh tells it more like it is. “I don’t even know if Natalie can write a speech, let alone spell speech. I’m sorry, America, but I definitely would have a much inspiration and moving story. My speech would have words that are longer than five letters, and not be written in crayons or nail polish.”

To Natalie, this win was all about God believing in her. Um, what about the times you “saw” signs that God was going to let you win earlier competitions? Sheila is as excited as if she had won…which, of course, she has yet to do the entire season. Meanwhile, James knows he’s screwed, and Josh is bummed. “I lost to Natalie in a mental competition.” I’d be pissed at myself, too. Adam babbles some more, but I still can’t understand him.

Ryan and Adam congratulate Natalie, who is thriving on the attention she’s getting from the boys. “I won a mental!” Ryan tells us that Natalie winning such a contest has shocked and scared James and Joshuah. You think?

We move back to the already tired talk about Chelsia’s fiery departure speech. Sheila and Natalie won’t let it go. “I told her, ‘if you judge me, Chelsia, you will be judged. You condemn me; you shall be condemned. You curse me; you shall be cursed.’” Ok, we get it, Natalie. She’s gone, and you won. Move on!

James and Josh are listening in as Natalie continues to milk it with Ryan and Adam. “We should call ourselves Team Christ,” suggest Ryan. I’m shaking my head at the exact same time as Josh and James.

OMG, we get more of Natalie, and her silly premonitions. It’s still all about the number seven, and the fact that there were seven questions, election day is November 7 (which it isn’t), seven people, week 7. “I told you there’s something with the numbers!” she brags in the diary room. “I was born November 7, the weight I was was uh 7/11, the time was 7:11.” She continues on, but I’m tired of writing it all down. No, she’s not dumb.

Josh actually describes her best. “Natalie is crazy. Natalie’s theories change whenever it helps Natalie. Last week it was all about the number eight. This week it’s all about the number seven. Every week the number changes and the theory changes. I’m sure next week it will be about the number six, or five, or 21.” Actually, it’s currently about the number nine.

(For those wrestling fans reading this, Rick Flair just lost at Wreslemania and has to retire.)

Natalie is in the process of moving, and is continuing to thank God as James walks in. “Are you going to put me up?” “I don’t know”, the good Chrstian lies. She claims to want to save him, but doesn’t think she can trust him.

Cheese time – Natalie’s HOH room. It’s the same drill as always. Screeching, pictures, food, etc. Josh does a pretty accurate narrative, though. “There was a picture of Natalie in a bikini – what a surprise. There was a picture of Natalie hugging a tree – wow, what a surprise.” Of course, we get the weepy acoustic guitar as she cries while reading her letter from home. BTW, we get to hear the whole letter, and Sheila whining that she wants her own letter. Well, win some goddamn comps then!

More cheese, but this one’s actually funny. The boys play hide ‘n’ seek with Natalie, but pretend they can’t see her awful knee sticking out of where she’s hiding. She hides one more time, but nobody really tries to find her – although she does seem to scare Josh when he opens the cabinet where she’s hiding.

For some reason, we now get a segment where Sheila asks Josh how he told his parents he was gay. It’s a boring story, augmented by awful Muzak-ish electric keyboards. “I think I love your parents now”, claims Sheila, before turning it once again into all about her and her son.

Josh is in a different shirt as he’s now sitting outside with Sharon, who says that “James has to go”. They babble some more about this before we move to James again trying to sweet talk Natalie, who seems open to his suggestions. Would she actually consider putting up Sheila or one of the boys, or is she just acting? I think she just says whatever the person she’s talking to wants to hear.

After commercials, it’s time for the food competition. Sharon makes her token appearance to read the rules, and even after a second time she still makes no sense. Basically, people had to choose food or slop, and if more people choose food over slop, then those who chose food actually were on slop. Get it?

Sharon chooses slop, while Adam picked food. Sheila, of course, didn’t know what she wanted to do. We initially don’t get to see what she picked. Josh, however, picked slop because “it’s a no-brainer”. We also don’t get to see Ryan’s choice, but we see that James picked slop.

Now we get the big reveal, as everybody smashes the watermelon they put their choice in. Make sense? James tears his apart with one hit, while it takes Josh a handful of times to get his. It turns out that Ryan picked slop, as does Sheila. So because the majority of the house was selfless, all but Adam are on slop. Wow, this makes no sense.

We come back from commercials, and James is lonely without my girl Chelsia. “It finally hit me that I really don’t have any friends in this house.” What they don’t show us is that he quite often wakes up in the middle of the night, and hangs out by himself.

For some reason, we now get a segment on Ryan and Adam doing laps in the pool with Natalie watching. At least it delays the next segment, which is Natalie staring at the picture of Matt on the wall. The rest of the house laughs from outside as they watch her worshipping the pic. “Me, you, that’s it”, Natalie says to the photo. “I think it’s in Matt’s best interest to go into hiding”, says Josh. “Maybe go into the witness protection program. He will end up having to get a restraining order to keep Natalie away from him.”

Ryan is up in the HOH with Natalie, and he wants to backdoor James. Natalie claims in the diary room to still be considering James’ offer. “This is an extremely tough decision, and it’s crucial.” We fade to commercial with her giant eyes attempting to force her brain to think.

We finally get to the nominations, and you know the drill. Everybody comments on whether they are going to be up, and despite CBS’ best efforts to confuse us we get exactly what we expected. Yes, it’s James and Joshuah, just as everybody knew it would be the minute Natalie won HOH last Thursday. Josh gets the “you’re a threat” speech, and she tells James that it’s hard for her to believe in his word. Both James and Joshuah have their final say, and it’s what you might expect, and Natalie wraps it up by saying “Matt would be ecstatic if he finds out I send Jimmy packing” Oh boy. See you Tuesday for POV!

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